High school acquaintance messaging me
About partying and stuff. He just started messaging me but I am seriously doing the whole DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS look at my computer screen and I’m like
is this a social situation
yes this is a social situation
i can do this
dont look weird
oh god i looked weird.
;_;
Credits roll over,
The edge of the horizons,
That I haven’t discovered yet.
I’m like a kid who just won’t let it go,
Twisting and turning the colours in rows,
I’m so intent to find out what it is.
This is my Rubik’s Cube
I know I can figure it out.
“
One day I’ll hopefully find a group of friends who makes me feel
Like I’m not being punished for having emotions.
That it’s okay to feel things and I can be myself.
I don’t know if this is a delusion or what- but I know that it’s enough to prompt me never to want to see or hear about these people ever again. This has been on my mind for a long time. It’s strange… during the summer of when I was seventeen and I was in a hellish situation that destroyed me, I seriously contemplated every second of every minute of every hour over what felt like eternity of when I could see the people I knew again. I missed them -so- much and desperately wanted to feel wanted again. Then I got to see them and I never felt happier. I absorbed all the familiarity with a sense of joy I will never, EVER feel again. I wail at the fact that I will never feel the peace I felt during that period of time.
I want to know that I can feel happy. I want to know I can freely admire and love without it being turned into blackmail or something largely toxic. I’m tired of crying over all the times I allowed myself to have emotional freedom only for people to throw it back in my face as if it was something that was never special.
With my old groups, hopefully their memory of me and my name will be something lost in the wind.
So it’s time for something new. Something that will amplify the small glimmer of light in my heart to be something that shines so brilliantly.
/end possible drunken rant
